Sometimes the same mood can take us in two or more directions. Isolation can feel scary yet safe, a jailer yet freeing. Shutting the door on possibilities means two different things in the same moment, a conflict between two wills. Is it fear or courage to be alone? The shame of hiding is very heavy indeed. Yet in another moment solitude can be brave when it serves some important purpose.
What matters is purpose, wherever our mood hovers. Alone in hiding we can still find usefulness. Stillness can be formed into useful time. Our thoughts can take us into healthier states of being.
Defeat is a useless concept. Whatever state we find ourselves, find a way to use it.
Monday, November 5, 2018
Saturday, September 22, 2018
Saboteur
Is there really such a thing as self-sabotage? I wonder. There are definitely those times when behavior is counterproductive. This idea of intentionally working against one's own interest is an obvious sign of confusion and even disorientation.
When walking in the woods at dusk, vision may be restricted as the trail starts to lose its familiarity; easier to forget the sequence of turns or landmarks. Perhaps the times when our behavior becomes counterproductive, is merely a dimming of clarity; a temporary lapse in the sequencing of reassuring landmarks.
Looking to others for validation can be precarious, as they may already have a full plate to worry about. There are many ways of learning to validate ourselves. If we gave ourselves more credit, instead of waiting for it, maybe our behavior would stay productive more often.
When walking in the woods at dusk, vision may be restricted as the trail starts to lose its familiarity; easier to forget the sequence of turns or landmarks. Perhaps the times when our behavior becomes counterproductive, is merely a dimming of clarity; a temporary lapse in the sequencing of reassuring landmarks.
Looking to others for validation can be precarious, as they may already have a full plate to worry about. There are many ways of learning to validate ourselves. If we gave ourselves more credit, instead of waiting for it, maybe our behavior would stay productive more often.
Friday, August 24, 2018
Independence or Isolation?
It is sometimes confusing to differentiate between a healthy independence and how that differs from isolating ourselves, pausing potentially satisfying collaborations.
Within a state of isolation, imposed not by choice but mood flux; one can feel completely powerless, dependent on something or someone, visibly or invisibly. Powerlessness does not feel at all healthy, interdependent or independent. As willpower leaks out from holes in our self-value, just like motor oil from an engine; it leaves a wide void in our clipped mobility.
But the reality of "willpower" is not as it feels. There is no mechanic to replace it, or store to replenish it. There is not a way to quantify it, or weigh it on a scale. Managing to tread through the rugged terrain of isolation when self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors begin to pile up like laundry in the corners of our mind's physiology; just to breathe under its suffocating pressure is in itself, an act of courage and strength. To move through the times of crippling isolation with hope and memories of better days in tact, is in the end, a completely independent step.
Within a state of isolation, imposed not by choice but mood flux; one can feel completely powerless, dependent on something or someone, visibly or invisibly. Powerlessness does not feel at all healthy, interdependent or independent. As willpower leaks out from holes in our self-value, just like motor oil from an engine; it leaves a wide void in our clipped mobility.
But the reality of "willpower" is not as it feels. There is no mechanic to replace it, or store to replenish it. There is not a way to quantify it, or weigh it on a scale. Managing to tread through the rugged terrain of isolation when self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors begin to pile up like laundry in the corners of our mind's physiology; just to breathe under its suffocating pressure is in itself, an act of courage and strength. To move through the times of crippling isolation with hope and memories of better days in tact, is in the end, a completely independent step.
Friday, May 18, 2018
Letting the Past Ride Along
Accomplishments should be celebrated, not just for the one time, but for whenever we want to contemplate them. Shouldn't we carry the pleasure of accomplishment with us for the rest of our lives? Why not?
That does not mean looking for an award. It means remembering the parts of our journey that were meaningful and successful, using those times to drive us toward continued wellness. When we create, it alters us. A photograph taken, music made, jewelry crafted, scarf knitted, poem written; all are using a piece of who we are becoming. A grandmother's quilted tablecloth, even when fraying, still carries the touch of her hand. No effort should be labeled as a waste, or labeled with a shelf life. No accomplishment should be looked at as some gauge or measuring tool, taking away from its true usefulness.
Even when material gifts or creations wear away, those creations have already become a part of the fabric of our life. If we stop making music or art, or stop writing, it's not a time for mourning. We can instead look toward the time when that part of ourselves will find another way of being connected and fulfilled. There is no rule that says if we have created something once upon a time, we are obligated to redo that part of our potential in the same formula or the same manifestation.
Too many grieve over some accomplishment from the past, when our path shifts away from it toward another opportunity. Let's not waste our potential for other meaningful parts of ourselves to explore.
That does not mean looking for an award. It means remembering the parts of our journey that were meaningful and successful, using those times to drive us toward continued wellness. When we create, it alters us. A photograph taken, music made, jewelry crafted, scarf knitted, poem written; all are using a piece of who we are becoming. A grandmother's quilted tablecloth, even when fraying, still carries the touch of her hand. No effort should be labeled as a waste, or labeled with a shelf life. No accomplishment should be looked at as some gauge or measuring tool, taking away from its true usefulness.
Even when material gifts or creations wear away, those creations have already become a part of the fabric of our life. If we stop making music or art, or stop writing, it's not a time for mourning. We can instead look toward the time when that part of ourselves will find another way of being connected and fulfilled. There is no rule that says if we have created something once upon a time, we are obligated to redo that part of our potential in the same formula or the same manifestation.
Too many grieve over some accomplishment from the past, when our path shifts away from it toward another opportunity. Let's not waste our potential for other meaningful parts of ourselves to explore.
Sunday, May 13, 2018
Plugging Back In
When my phone charger cord was misplaced, I used my tablet charger instead. But it didn't fit my phone as well and if it wasn't positioned exactly right, came undone.
This scenario reminded me of when we may try connecting to things that aren't fitting well. It's as if we misplaced the empowering thing, and the battery draining indicator appears. It's a sinking feeling, majorly disappointing and even ominous.
There was that day when things felt connected; like riding on a wave of inspiration. Later on after the day was done, I couldn't understand the feeling of letdown and disconnection again. But then I remembered how the road toward wellness does twist and turn, and even seems like going in circles; but the spirals are still moving forward. Each time we find wellness or don't, we are learning how to get there.
This scenario reminded me of when we may try connecting to things that aren't fitting well. It's as if we misplaced the empowering thing, and the battery draining indicator appears. It's a sinking feeling, majorly disappointing and even ominous.
There was that day when things felt connected; like riding on a wave of inspiration. Later on after the day was done, I couldn't understand the feeling of letdown and disconnection again. But then I remembered how the road toward wellness does twist and turn, and even seems like going in circles; but the spirals are still moving forward. Each time we find wellness or don't, we are learning how to get there.
Sunday, May 6, 2018
Imaginary Protocols
Limitations we may automatically put in place are not always needed. We may invent protocols for projects that don't need to be there, quantifying progress in ways that don't help our journey.
Imaginary protocols can create fear of failure. That fear is useless, it steals any inspiration to try. Lately I've been pursuing a new artistic venture that has the potential to create many interesting days, more connection to that part of my identity that contributes to a feeling of wholeness. With every step toward success it is possible to stop adding layers of qualifications that do not belong in the equation.
For ventures that are supposed to add freedom of thought and feeling, it is not fair to apply grades of "pass or fail". Where in the world do we find an absolute place to earn a medal of competence? There is no medal, and rightly so. Competence is not part of the recipe for pure expression, which comes from truth and the desire to reach out for connection with self or others.
Imaginary protocols can create fear of failure. That fear is useless, it steals any inspiration to try. Lately I've been pursuing a new artistic venture that has the potential to create many interesting days, more connection to that part of my identity that contributes to a feeling of wholeness. With every step toward success it is possible to stop adding layers of qualifications that do not belong in the equation.
For ventures that are supposed to add freedom of thought and feeling, it is not fair to apply grades of "pass or fail". Where in the world do we find an absolute place to earn a medal of competence? There is no medal, and rightly so. Competence is not part of the recipe for pure expression, which comes from truth and the desire to reach out for connection with self or others.
Sunday, April 1, 2018
Lighthearted Views
If we depend on others' opinions of ourselves, we will be sacrificing a special gift available to all; the gift of self-acceptance. Wouldn't it be nice if we all focused on self-improvement instead of wasting time evaluating and judging others? It is up to me to figure out and work toward the best version of myself. Do I really want to give that privileged journey away to another person? My mother, friend, manager, or fellow parishioner?
A rude comment is only an insult if we let it be one. And who does the rude commenter actually insult? Themselves! The person who is rude, unmannerly, arrogant, insensitive, and judgmental is letting their own low emotional IQ hang out for all to see.
Maybe the best idea of how to respond to a rude comment is not to respond at all. Ignorant comments are not always worthy of notice, and silence can be powerful. The silence does not have to be pregnant with meaning, either. We can choose to switch the focus to something more interesting, pleasant or humorous. What really matters is learning to respect and have more confidence in our own path. No one can take this journey for us, even if they try to.
A rude comment is only an insult if we let it be one. And who does the rude commenter actually insult? Themselves! The person who is rude, unmannerly, arrogant, insensitive, and judgmental is letting their own low emotional IQ hang out for all to see.
Maybe the best idea of how to respond to a rude comment is not to respond at all. Ignorant comments are not always worthy of notice, and silence can be powerful. The silence does not have to be pregnant with meaning, either. We can choose to switch the focus to something more interesting, pleasant or humorous. What really matters is learning to respect and have more confidence in our own path. No one can take this journey for us, even if they try to.
Friday, March 16, 2018
Adapting to Temperature
Moving from New England to Georgia, I didn't have any trouble adapting to the climate change. It's not so drastic as to be disorienting. The hottest days of summer go by and generally we are in air conditioning. Mood temperature changes however, can be harder to navigate; as if with a faulty climate control unit. Venturing out into the realities of life can sting like temperature shock.
Lately it's been interesting to note that accepting temperature changes works out better than trying to avoid them. The key is finding ways to adapt. Sleep, nutrition, and exercise irregularities for example, become a crucial issue in mood adapting. Then, if we get stuck dwelling on how far from stable our self-care has become, the longer we stay self-defeated.
The mood seasons' impact on our behavioral health can pass less severely by resisting the urge to label each challenge as a failure; starting anew as much as possible. When we begin again from whatever moment we are in, instead of measuring every setback first, we save precious energy toward wellness.
Lately it's been interesting to note that accepting temperature changes works out better than trying to avoid them. The key is finding ways to adapt. Sleep, nutrition, and exercise irregularities for example, become a crucial issue in mood adapting. Then, if we get stuck dwelling on how far from stable our self-care has become, the longer we stay self-defeated.
The mood seasons' impact on our behavioral health can pass less severely by resisting the urge to label each challenge as a failure; starting anew as much as possible. When we begin again from whatever moment we are in, instead of measuring every setback first, we save precious energy toward wellness.
Friday, March 2, 2018
Questions and Answers: Equally Useful
In seeking to define ourselves we will more than likely be left with more questions than answers. Are the questions useful in themselves, even when they have no answers?
This depends entirely on what we do with those questions. Speaking from experience, investing years of my time and focus in frustration that I couldn't figure out why my journey happened the way it did; distracted me from a more healthy relationship with my past, and fully experiencing the now.
Did that mean taking inventory had been a complete waste of time? A harsh judgment of efforts that may not end in the result we were hoping for, is unnecessary and counterproductive. Where would civilization be if noone valued research that didn't bring conclusive evidence? The research must be done, and noted, for further reference. Research can push us forward, and give us direction.
Accepting that we will not always understand ourselves, is a big part of growth. We don't need to miss out on our potential for success, stuck in analyzing the choices that didn't work out. The usefulness of analyzing our past has a short shelf life. But finding inspiration for the days and weeks ahead, never goes out of date.
This depends entirely on what we do with those questions. Speaking from experience, investing years of my time and focus in frustration that I couldn't figure out why my journey happened the way it did; distracted me from a more healthy relationship with my past, and fully experiencing the now.
Did that mean taking inventory had been a complete waste of time? A harsh judgment of efforts that may not end in the result we were hoping for, is unnecessary and counterproductive. Where would civilization be if noone valued research that didn't bring conclusive evidence? The research must be done, and noted, for further reference. Research can push us forward, and give us direction.
Accepting that we will not always understand ourselves, is a big part of growth. We don't need to miss out on our potential for success, stuck in analyzing the choices that didn't work out. The usefulness of analyzing our past has a short shelf life. But finding inspiration for the days and weeks ahead, never goes out of date.
Thursday, March 1, 2018
When Santa Comes To Town
One delusional motivation tactic usually implanted in us from earliest memory is "you better watch out! Santa is coming to town." Thankfully I was spared that delusion, a mercy that could have been more consistently part of my childhood. There are better motivators that inspire initiative in kids, much better than "you better watch out 'cause Santa sees you, if you've been naughty."
That false sense of living up to expectations from a fictitious figure does little to teach genuine responsibility and collaborative success. If the only motivators a child knows are mounds of gifts under a tree or over a rainbow, how can we expect them to have self-starter skills later on? Fairy tales are only as useful as lessons they teach. Setting our kids up for rewards that are abstractly dependent on others cannot prepare them for real life.
As adults we may falter in parenting ourselves; it may feel foreign to cultivate confidence in our own initiatives. Just as we wouldn't expect a drained car battery to stay wired to another car after a jump start, we can't teach kids to expect to stay dependent on everyone else for their desire to engage. That will damage their need for self-actualization and self-esteem. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs theorizes that we must grow from deficiency needs (motivated when they go unmet) to growth needs, a desire to grow toward healthy independence and recognize one's own potential.
We may be carrying a burden of shame and inadequacy that is solely based on other's expectations of who we should be; because of never learning how to figure that out on our own. In my 40's I am just starting to figure out what to expect of myself, instead of wasting energy imagining what other people expect and then constantly worrying if I'm able to live up to it. What a cramped and muddled view of our own potential!
It's never too late to parent ourselves. Success may be delayed, but ultimately does not depend on a balanced childhood, or only taking right paths. Wrong turns can still be useful in finding the full potential in ourselves, through our very own eyes.
That false sense of living up to expectations from a fictitious figure does little to teach genuine responsibility and collaborative success. If the only motivators a child knows are mounds of gifts under a tree or over a rainbow, how can we expect them to have self-starter skills later on? Fairy tales are only as useful as lessons they teach. Setting our kids up for rewards that are abstractly dependent on others cannot prepare them for real life.
As adults we may falter in parenting ourselves; it may feel foreign to cultivate confidence in our own initiatives. Just as we wouldn't expect a drained car battery to stay wired to another car after a jump start, we can't teach kids to expect to stay dependent on everyone else for their desire to engage. That will damage their need for self-actualization and self-esteem. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs theorizes that we must grow from deficiency needs (motivated when they go unmet) to growth needs, a desire to grow toward healthy independence and recognize one's own potential.
We may be carrying a burden of shame and inadequacy that is solely based on other's expectations of who we should be; because of never learning how to figure that out on our own. In my 40's I am just starting to figure out what to expect of myself, instead of wasting energy imagining what other people expect and then constantly worrying if I'm able to live up to it. What a cramped and muddled view of our own potential!
It's never too late to parent ourselves. Success may be delayed, but ultimately does not depend on a balanced childhood, or only taking right paths. Wrong turns can still be useful in finding the full potential in ourselves, through our very own eyes.
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| © S. Patterson 2017 |
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
Why Start If You Can't Finish?
At some point we may have adopted the unmotivating idea that unless we can finish something, it's no use to start. The social messages out there perpetuate this fallacy. However, the very act of starting toward a goal, task, project, or self-care initiative; teaches wellness. One of the keys to taking a few steps forward is not to worry about how many more steps are ahead, or even if any more will follow. Wash one dish, vacuum one room, eat one handful of cashews, drink one small glass of water, write one paragraph. Sure, washing the whole sinkful, vacuuming the whole house, eating a whole meal, or drinking all eight glasses of water would be great too. But in the moment of journeying through immobilizing moods quantity is not the most important outcome.
Converting to this idea may feel wrong. It may take a while to unload feelings of shame, or mistakenly give ourselves credit only for finishing a certain amount. Yet this is journeying through dysfunction into a healthier state of being.
We don't need permission, or approval in traveling this journey. Noone else can take this trip through life for us. The best gift we give to ourselves and others is to take a step toward wellness, no matter how small it seems. Because there are no small steps in healing; whether a broken bone, broken thoughts, or a broken path.
Monday, February 26, 2018
Our Director's Commentary Voice
People in our life will never be who we imagine they should be. It's so easy to replay conversations over and over with a special feature: the director's commentary. Why didn't they listen better? Why didn't they give me the comfort-support-acceptance-unconditional validation I need? In other words, Why can't you be what I want you to be?
It's much easier to expect unconditional acceptance then to give it. One of the keys to wellness is accepting others as they are. Others may not see a need to grow healthier dyanamics, respect, tolerance. So we need to stop expecting it, waiting to see if each new encounter gives us a new and improved version.
Once we drop those hopes for someone to change into who we want, it opens up a lot of space for appreciating and noticing new possibilities. We can ask for things we need from others. But if we don't get those things, what do we do next?
There are only two choices. Decide if we can grow enough to handle the relationship the way it is, and how. When we can be our own true friend, and give ourselves the validation, respect, support, and acceptance necessary for wellness; we will be able to stop depending on others for those things. The best scenario is when we share responsibility for healthy dynamics equally with another person. In families it may never happen, or maybe they'll surprise you and finally want to try.
It's much easier to expect unconditional acceptance then to give it. One of the keys to wellness is accepting others as they are. Others may not see a need to grow healthier dyanamics, respect, tolerance. So we need to stop expecting it, waiting to see if each new encounter gives us a new and improved version.
Once we drop those hopes for someone to change into who we want, it opens up a lot of space for appreciating and noticing new possibilities. We can ask for things we need from others. But if we don't get those things, what do we do next?
There are only two choices. Decide if we can grow enough to handle the relationship the way it is, and how. When we can be our own true friend, and give ourselves the validation, respect, support, and acceptance necessary for wellness; we will be able to stop depending on others for those things. The best scenario is when we share responsibility for healthy dynamics equally with another person. In families it may never happen, or maybe they'll surprise you and finally want to try.
Sunday, February 25, 2018
Married to Medicine
There can seem to be a cavernous difference between needing and wanting support, either from people or synthetic compounds that interact with our neurotransmitters; a nagging dilemma. Can we have side effects from the well-meaning efforts of friends and family, who are trying to be supportive? Yes, just as we have to accept side effects from taking medicine. These side effects can be constant or cumulative.
Some days it's hard not to only see the side effects, a long list of cons that cause doubts about risk ratios. Are memory loss, fatigue, and volatile sleep patterns really worth it? Is this medication really working well enough to pay the physiological price tag? Getting caught in a cycle of doubt can get to be like a constant echo; a tinnitus of inner conflict.
Yet relationships with anyone or anything will never be completely in sync. There is a profound gift on the shelf waiting to be opened. This gift is wrapped in acceptance, and unwrapped in the journey of wellness. Wellness in how we relate to those around us, including our 'marriage to medicine.' Approaching wellness as a journey, with its full spectrum of road conditions, will ease those constricting reflexes.
Medicine is only one relationship to wellness. There are equally valuable components, things that can nourish and strengthen forward mobility. Creating something with our hands, for example, or choosing a meal that sustains more nutrients. Walking, writing, chatting with a friend. Any effort, no matter how seemingly small, can be part of growing our days in better soil. (see my poem Layaway )
Some days it's hard not to only see the side effects, a long list of cons that cause doubts about risk ratios. Are memory loss, fatigue, and volatile sleep patterns really worth it? Is this medication really working well enough to pay the physiological price tag? Getting caught in a cycle of doubt can get to be like a constant echo; a tinnitus of inner conflict.
Yet relationships with anyone or anything will never be completely in sync. There is a profound gift on the shelf waiting to be opened. This gift is wrapped in acceptance, and unwrapped in the journey of wellness. Wellness in how we relate to those around us, including our 'marriage to medicine.' Approaching wellness as a journey, with its full spectrum of road conditions, will ease those constricting reflexes.
Medicine is only one relationship to wellness. There are equally valuable components, things that can nourish and strengthen forward mobility. Creating something with our hands, for example, or choosing a meal that sustains more nutrients. Walking, writing, chatting with a friend. Any effort, no matter how seemingly small, can be part of growing our days in better soil. (see my poem Layaway )
Saturday, February 24, 2018
S.A.D. At the End of Winter
This winter has been upside down. When in the middle of dysfunctional days, the urge to hide from the outside world creeps up like a spider web. Pretty soon November, December, and January have passed and February is almost gone. I look back and see one long cycle of disturbed circadian rhythm, where sleep times are upside down. Waking up at 3:00 in the afternoon, after sleeping from 6:00 a.m.
Instead of taking steps to halt what is easily defined as dysfunction, I have come to a kinder place and changed my shame-based ideas. This cycle is how I function. I wake up in a better mood at 3:00 p.m. I get some things done and feel more peaceful. I feel safer at home today. It is OKAY.
I am going to try to grow my day from a place of self-acceptance. I am going to tell myself encouraging, accepting messages. Instead of calling it Seasonal Affective Disorder, a negative and disturbing "diagnosis"; this is simply a seasonal change in how I function best.
Instead of taking steps to halt what is easily defined as dysfunction, I have come to a kinder place and changed my shame-based ideas. This cycle is how I function. I wake up in a better mood at 3:00 p.m. I get some things done and feel more peaceful. I feel safer at home today. It is OKAY.
I am going to try to grow my day from a place of self-acceptance. I am going to tell myself encouraging, accepting messages. Instead of calling it Seasonal Affective Disorder, a negative and disturbing "diagnosis"; this is simply a seasonal change in how I function best.
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