That false sense of living up to expectations from a fictitious figure does little to teach genuine responsibility and collaborative success. If the only motivators a child knows are mounds of gifts under a tree or over a rainbow, how can we expect them to have self-starter skills later on? Fairy tales are only as useful as lessons they teach. Setting our kids up for rewards that are abstractly dependent on others cannot prepare them for real life.
As adults we may falter in parenting ourselves; it may feel foreign to cultivate confidence in our own initiatives. Just as we wouldn't expect a drained car battery to stay wired to another car after a jump start, we can't teach kids to expect to stay dependent on everyone else for their desire to engage. That will damage their need for self-actualization and self-esteem. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs theorizes that we must grow from deficiency needs (motivated when they go unmet) to growth needs, a desire to grow toward healthy independence and recognize one's own potential.
We may be carrying a burden of shame and inadequacy that is solely based on other's expectations of who we should be; because of never learning how to figure that out on our own. In my 40's I am just starting to figure out what to expect of myself, instead of wasting energy imagining what other people expect and then constantly worrying if I'm able to live up to it. What a cramped and muddled view of our own potential!
It's never too late to parent ourselves. Success may be delayed, but ultimately does not depend on a balanced childhood, or only taking right paths. Wrong turns can still be useful in finding the full potential in ourselves, through our very own eyes.
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| © S. Patterson 2017 |
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