Why Start If You Can't Finish?

     At some point we may have adopted the unmotivating idea that unless we can finish something, it's no use to start. The social messages out there perpetuate this fallacy. However, the very act of starting toward a goal, task, project, or self-care initiative; teaches wellness. One of the keys to taking a few steps forward is not to worry about how many more steps are ahead, or even if any more will follow. Wash one dish, vacuum one room, eat one handful of cashews, drink one small glass of water, write one paragraph. Sure, washing the whole sinkful, vacuuming the whole house, eating a whole meal, or drinking all eight glasses of water would be great too. But in the moment of journeying through immobilizing moods quantity is not the most important outcome.

     Converting to this idea may feel wrong. It may take a while to unload feelings of shame, or mistakenly give ourselves credit only for finishing a certain amount. Yet this is journeying through dysfunction into a healthier state of being.

     We don't need permission, or approval in traveling this journey. Noone else can take this trip through life for us. The best gift we give to ourselves and others is to take a step toward wellness, no matter how small it seems. Because there are no small steps in healing; whether a broken bone, broken thoughts, or a broken path.

Our Director's Commentary Voice

     People in our life will never be who we imagine they should be. It's so easy to replay conversations over and over with a special feature: the director's commentary. Why didn't they listen better? Why didn't they give me the comfort-support-acceptance-unconditional validation I need? In other words, Why can't you be what I want you to be?

     It's much easier to expect unconditional acceptance then to give it. One of the keys to wellness is accepting others as they are. Others may not see a need to grow healthier dyanamics, respect, tolerance. So we need to stop expecting it, waiting to see if each new encounter gives us a new and improved version.

     Once we drop those hopes for someone to change into who we want, it opens up a lot of space for appreciating and noticing new possibilities. We can ask for things we need from others. But if we don't get those things, what do we do next?

     There are only two choices. Decide if we can grow enough to handle the relationship the way it is, and how. When we can be our own true friend, and give ourselves the validation, respect, support, and acceptance necessary for wellness; we will be able to stop depending on others for those things. The best scenario is when we share responsibility for healthy dynamics equally with another person. In families it may never happen, or maybe they'll surprise you and finally want to try.

Married to Medicine

     There can seem to be a cavernous difference between needing and wanting support, either from people or synthetic compounds that interact with our neurotransmitters; a nagging dilemma. Can we have side effects from the well-meaning efforts of friends and family, who are trying to be supportive? Yes, just as we have to accept side effects from taking medicine. These side effects can be constant or cumulative.

     Some days it's hard not to only see the side effects, a long list of cons that cause doubts about risk ratios. Are memory loss, fatigue, and volatile sleep patterns really worth it? Is this medication really working well enough to pay the physiological price tag? Getting caught in a cycle of doubt can get to be like a constant echo; a tinnitus of inner conflict.

     Yet relationships with anyone or anything will never be completely in sync. There is a profound gift on the shelf waiting to be opened. This gift is wrapped in acceptance, and unwrapped in the journey of wellness. Wellness in how we relate to those around us, including our 'marriage to medicine.' Approaching wellness as a journey, with its full spectrum of road conditions, will ease those constricting reflexes.

     Medicine is only one relationship to wellness. There are equally valuable components, things that can nourish and strengthen forward mobility. Creating something with our hands, for example, or choosing a meal that sustains more nutrients. Walking, writing, chatting with a friend. Any effort, no matter how seemingly small, can be part of growing our days in better soil. (see my poem Layaway )

S.A.D. At the End of Winter

     This winter has been upside down. When in the middle of dysfunctional days, the urge to hide from the outside world creeps up like a spider web. Pretty soon November, December, and January have passed and February is almost gone. I look back and see one long cycle of disturbed circadian rhythm, where sleep times are upside down. Waking up at 3:00 in the afternoon, after sleeping from 6:00 a.m.

     Instead of taking steps to halt what is easily defined as dysfunction, I have come to a kinder place and changed my shame-based ideas. This cycle is how I function. I wake up in a better mood at 3:00 p.m. I get some things done and feel more peaceful. I feel safer at home today. It is OKAY.

     I am going to try to grow my day from a place of self-acceptance. I am going to tell myself encouraging, accepting messages. Instead of calling it Seasonal Affective Disorder, a negative and disturbing "diagnosis"; this is simply a seasonal change in how I function best.